What makes me mommy?

What for most, happens the moment they find out they're pregnant, or for others, when they first hold their child, I have found to be vastly different as an adoptive mom. (While this may not be true for all adoptive parents, it is for me and hind sight what it is, I can speak on this with experience both as an adoptive and a biological mom.) Because we were foster parents, there seemed to be this outside perspective that we should protect our hearts from the hurt, just in case he went back. That mindset is a little hard to shake, especially when, like us, you have tried for so long to have a family, the thought of him leaving was crushing. But, you want me to hold back my love from this baby in my arms, just to protect myself from hurt? Sorry, couldn't do it. I kept thinking, "What if he stays? What if we adopt him and he's ours and we are his?" It hurt so bad to imagine that there might even be one minute of his life that we treated him as anything less than our son. So, that was the first moment that made me mommy. When I knew I had to protect and love him, even if it meant I might get hurt. When I put him before myself. The next was probably a little more obvious. Timothy had about one sound when he first came to us, but after a few weeks started saying Dada and Deja (our puppy at the time). We were elated to hear those first words, but it didn't take me long to really start pushing "momma"! And I would have taken just about anything that came remotely close to starting with the 'm' sound! One night while drawing his bath, as the two of us waited for the water to warm up, he looked up at me and said "Momma". That's right baby! I am, and with joy impossible to relate in writing, I swooped him up and ran to find Scott so he could hear this beautiful word.

Throughout this process over the course of the next couple years there would be these moments, that while I was not his biological, or his adoptive mom, made concrete the fact that I was his Mommy.

So, we had his first birthday......

With the volleyball girls

and at home with family.

And our first family picture....

 And our first Halloween...

 And our first Christmas....



And Baby Makes Three- A Whole New Life

My focus at the meeting I couldn't reschedule the day we got 'the call'....well, lets just say I have NO idea what it was about. My thoughts were elsewhere. 'What are the details? Why is he in care? Is he healthy? How long will he stay with us? Is Scott back yet?'  I stood at the door waiting for our car to pull up.....questions continuing to well up, 'Will he be a good sleeper? What do you feed a one year old? We need to find a pediatrician! And a daycare!' All the things generally thought on, and planned for, during a nine month pregnancy, the things, What to Expect When You're Expecting, books help you prepare for, flooded me. And then I saw him. My husband, carrying our Timothy into the building. He was a bald, chubby cheeked, bare footed little guy holding on to Scott like he'd been there all his life. Some images sear your mind and stay with you forever. He was dirty and tired and was stuffed into an outfit about 9 months too small. I laid him on a classroom table to change his diaper and put on the new outfit my friend had just taken me to buy. My hands shook and my eyes watered, but he smiled, clapped and got down from the table to explore his new surroundings. We called him Mowgli that day because he 'crawled' on hands and feet with his diaper butt stuck up in the air, bink hanging sideways out of his mouth. Our guy. We both knew now why the other 3 calls (9 kids) didn't feel right to us....this one was right.

As I said before, we coached the volleyball team and still had practice that night....yeah right! One of the moms watched him while we tried to run practice, but the girls carried on over this little guy so much we finally said, forget it, and just let them play. That evening, our family met us at the house to meet 'our son'. (We weren't yet sure what we were supposed to call him, or what we should call ourselves to him) My sister-in-law showed up with a Winnie the Pooh high chair. I told her, 'Beth, you shouldn't have! He might only be here a couple days." But, she was as excited as we were and said, "Well, just in case."

What a butterball.

Timothy fit right in to our home and our family. It was really as if he'd always been there, or at least, was supposed to be there now. We took the next day off to find a doctor and daycare and buy the essentials, some more clothes, and a couple toys. We had a baby. Every moment was so surreal. After a few days, we finally met with the social worker and were filled in on a few details. He informed us with a case like this, generally the child is back with parents within a few weeks. This news saddened us, but we decided then and there that we would love this boy with reckless abandon. That we would be mom and dad and he would be our son, even if it was only for a few weeks. That for those days, he would have 'home' and all that implies. We loved him and Timothy needed to know that.

"I was worth the wait."





And then we said YES - The Beginning of a Family

After the four left, our home felt so empty. In fact, the first night we cried as we paced our quiet house full of new beds laying empty. We prayed for "God to fill our home with 'our kids', ones meant to stay with us and be our family. We prayed that He would protect them wherever they where, keep their hearts and bodies from harm, protect their eyes and ears from seeing or hearing any bad things. That He would prepare our hearts and theirs to love one another." We prayed this so many times that even as I type I think, "God, if there is one more, please hear our prayer." The last week in August we received three calls totaling nine kids, one was a sibling set of four that came at 2 am....we said no to each call for one reason or another. One thing we learned and felt was so important, was to be honest about what we could handle and not feel pressured to accept a placement that we didn't feel we could commit to for the long haul. We were a little worried about saying no for the third time in a week, but knew none of them were 'the right one'.

Scott and I were teachers at the same High School and coached volleyball together, he taught 9th grade geography and I taught 9th grade Special Education. I collaborated in rooms next to him and in his class one period each day. The week following the nine, Wednesday to be exact, he saw an email pop up from one of our social workers and happened to have time to check it. It said, "Scott, we have a 1 year old. If you and Julia are interested please call." He flew next door to the classroom where I was teaching. I was making rounds with students at the time when one said, "Mrs. Akin, I think Mr. Akin needs you." I nodded and slowly moved toward the door, pausing to check my students progress as I went, when he so politely said, "Run!". Of course, with that, I flew out the door knowing it was some kind of emergency. He grabbed me and said, "They have a baby, do we want him?" To which I all but yelled, "YES! Of course! Him?" Scott said, "Timothy. He's 1." I'm not sure if we cried, or hugged, or what, but I had a meeting I could not reschedule so Scott took the rest of the day off and headed to pick him up. Our excitement was obvious as we scurried about and word spread quickly as to what was happening. In acts of amazing support, two of our coworkers stepped in to help. One ran home to get a bag of toys her two year old had outgrown and the other took me to the local dollar store for an outfit, jams, a bottle and formula. Other than these items, literally, all we had for this baby, for Timothy, was the crib we bought 5 months earlier. How long he would stay, we had no idea, but for this night our crib was full because we said "yes".

In the meantime- Our First Placement

Meanwhile, we had continued with fertility treatments and made the decision to move forward with IVF. Our appointment was scheduled for October of 2009. In July we got our first call for kids! It was a sibling set of four ages 4-11 (3 girls, 1 boy) who would stay for two weeks before returning to their foster home. We were so excited, but realized now, we had a crib and a guest bed but that wouldn't be enough. We had two days to prepare for their arrival so ran to our local furniture store and bought bunk beds to be delivered and set up the next day. (Flash forward--through the course of only five years as parents, we joke that we have been bed, stroller and car seat poor! I am sure we have owned more than the Duggar's, as we've tried to accommodate our changing situations!) So, bunk beds.....the rooms were readied, we stocked our fridge and the kids showed up. Holy cow! What difficult and fun times those two weeks were. But, in no time, we were sure we had made the right choice in opening our home. They called us mom and dad for that short time...sweet but a  little sad...enjoyed 'cousins', pool parties, a family reunion and church. We love bedtime stories, so decided on The Little House on the Prairie to read. The three girls shared a room in our small house while their brother was in the room next door. When we read the first two nights, he stayed in his room claiming bed time stories were for girls. The third night I caught him at the door way of his room listening and asked him to come in. He sat on the floor at Scott's feet while he read and by the end of the book had his head resting on my knee. They needed love, security, comfort, safety...and although they would only stay two weeks, we (our extended family included) did the best we could to provide these things. When it was time to go, tears were shed with lots of hugs and prayers that everything would be ok. After five years, we still think of them fondly. Funny how love can come on so strong in such a short time. I pray they are loved, secure and safe, even now.

I can't share their picture, but this is a chalk drawing they did for us and took our picture just before they left.

Brief Background- Introducing Us



Scott and I married in June 2008.

Although we had both been married before and Scott had 2 adopted, grown sons, neither of us had children of our own. We had a very strong desire to start a family and personally, I longed to be pregnant and have a baby. To see the bump grow, to feel it move and live inside me, to give life and a name to a little person and experience all the joy that goes with that experience....baby showers, maternity clothes, big boobs, strollers, stretch marks, nursing...I wanted it all! Along with this desire, we both had a soft spot in our hearts for adoption. We were both adopted by our Dads as small children and were raised by them and our Moms in a positive and loving environment. And, as I mentioned, Scott had already adopted 2 sons from his previous marriage. We knew somehow, this would be a part of our parenting journey, but at the time could never have imagined our path. In an effort to get pregnant, I had surgeries, we tried fertility drugs and artificial insemination several times. We knew "I was the problem", but no one could ever find what the problem was. "You're trying too hard", "You need to stop thinking about it so much" (love that one!), "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" (funny people), "Give it to God" (I did, 1000 times).....the advice was as welcomed as my period every month, smothering me with the fact that, again, I was not pregnant.

After a total of 8 years trying, pleading, crying, begging, then trying some more, we decided to look into adoption. After researching all options, we settled on the foster to adopt program. We were both educators and knew first hand the need some kids have just to have a safe place to call home, and we knew we could offer that while we waited for our baby. After the 6 week training course, mounds of paperwork, home studies, family and friends recommendations accepted, our home was open and we were officially foster parents. They tell you in training that if you are hoping to adopt a baby, you are in the wrong place, or at best will be waiting a very long time. Most babies come with older siblings, or a wealth of health concerns, but we knew we wanted a baby, either through adoption or naturally. So in a Field of Dreams, "If you build it, they will come", kind of way, we bought a crib. This was a little hard for Scott to agree with at first. He didn't want to be the crazy guy with a crib, and no baby in sight. But, I kept pleading...."If we have faith that our prayers will be answered, then we should be ready when it happens." And so we got the crib, set it up and prayed each night for God to fill it. That was the spring of 2009. It sat empty for 5 months.

Getting Started: Our Story

One of the first things we hear when people find out we’re foster to adopt parents is, “Oh, bless your hearts, I could never do that. To love a child then have to send them back, I just couldn’t.” To which, up to now, I have only ever responded with a shrug, “Well…”

What could I say? That we don’t love them while they are with us? Not true. That it’s easy? Not true. That I’m a saint? Definitely not true! So, after five years, I decided I’d like to share the, ‘why and how’, we do it. Partly because it’s a great story, and partly because we need more foster homes with parents willing to share their lives, their home and their love with the hurting children of our community. And the reality is, there’s more than any of us care to admit or want to hear about. They are on your block, in your community, they are friends with your children at school, and they need somewhere safe to live. Sometimes for 24 hours, sometimes forever.

But, at the very least, I hope to share our story of hope, and love, with all the joy and craziness that comes with it. This is how God brought our children to us, making me mommy, and continues to bless through the excitement and challenges of life.